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Apr. 11th, 2024 08:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
babydracoMy love language is Providing. Well, I guess as my sister pointed out, technically that would be Gift Giving according to the original list. But I have always wanted to take care of people materially, not being particularly good at the emotional side of things. I have always wanted to be the person who has whatever you need, whether it's a pen or an umbrella or a candy bar or a spare room. I wanted to grow up to make a lot of money not just because it means power, control, and independence but also because it means being able to help people I care about. I wanted a big house so I could have guests over in a comfortable way, they could use the bathroom discreetly, if they needed to get away from other guests or wanted to sit out side, they could, if I wanted to go to bed I could just say "Okay guys, I'm taking a nap, lock the door behind you, or you can take the spare room or the couch, breakfast is in the fridge" and then not have to see or hear them again until I felt like it. BUT know that they're comfortable, they have soap, clean sheets, etc, and that they know they can always come and stay. I want everyone in my life to feel safe and like they have everything they need and if they don't they can get it from me.
(edit I know if this account had a wider audience someone would still be interpreting this post as "whining because she doesn't have a mansion". And no, you don't need a mansion to supply everything I'm talking about. You just need a house that's the way you want it, and I have seen average sized houses that were perfect, people worked wonders with the little working class homes in my neighborhood growing up. The details of the material things I was unable to get are not that important)
This whole provider thing is why I was confused when my mother said she felt guilty for getting a full time job instead of staying home with us. 1) We had no choice, thanks Reagan, 2) it's lucky she started work at the same time I started elementary school, because if we'd been home alone together much longer we would have destroyed each other. We're fine now, don't worry! But at the time, WHOAH. 3) To me, going out and making money for your family is the DREAM. Also, she had a cool job, which she trained for and most people don't get to say that. It wasn't like she was slinging burgers or filing TPS reports. She was a journalist, which allowed us to see all sorts of interesting things in interesting places and get into so so many shows for free and eat so many comped meals. Experiences made up for not having much money.
Anyway, I have failed not only to provide for my family but to provide adequately for myself. I can't make people understand what an ultimate failure of everything I wanted and needed (in my head and heart) to be that is to me.
(edit I know if this account had a wider audience someone would still be interpreting this post as "whining because she doesn't have a mansion". And no, you don't need a mansion to supply everything I'm talking about. You just need a house that's the way you want it, and I have seen average sized houses that were perfect, people worked wonders with the little working class homes in my neighborhood growing up. The details of the material things I was unable to get are not that important)
This whole provider thing is why I was confused when my mother said she felt guilty for getting a full time job instead of staying home with us. 1) We had no choice, thanks Reagan, 2) it's lucky she started work at the same time I started elementary school, because if we'd been home alone together much longer we would have destroyed each other. We're fine now, don't worry! But at the time, WHOAH. 3) To me, going out and making money for your family is the DREAM. Also, she had a cool job, which she trained for and most people don't get to say that. It wasn't like she was slinging burgers or filing TPS reports. She was a journalist, which allowed us to see all sorts of interesting things in interesting places and get into so so many shows for free and eat so many comped meals. Experiences made up for not having much money.
Anyway, I have failed not only to provide for my family but to provide adequately for myself. I can't make people understand what an ultimate failure of everything I wanted and needed (in my head and heart) to be that is to me.
